I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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