Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
