meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
