If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
