That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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