Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
