he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He better not be in your backpack
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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