your thong is hanging out like whoa
look no pants
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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