Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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