Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
