This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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