Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
