my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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