You just made me feel so damn special
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
