I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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