i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
