Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
