i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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