ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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