So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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