The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
