Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
