I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
