The maid of honor just puked.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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