Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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