I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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