oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
