I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
