I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
