i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
