if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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