Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.â€
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