Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
