My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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