Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
