I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
