I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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