i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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