beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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