We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize