just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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