THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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