How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
