I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
