Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
