I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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