I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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