my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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