She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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