we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
