I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The uberlube is also flammable
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Randomize
