If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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