I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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