i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
