I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
