We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We need to get me chipped asap
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
