I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
