I cannot find my penis.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
