In the future we'll all be gay
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
