My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
