No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
