I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
When did angry sex become our thing?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
