i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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